20060228

I am an MBA...

“Don't go.. stay… “ You told her, hugging her tight, holding on.. not wanting her to go. You have come a long way, R and you, 24 months to be precise.

And now, she is leaving.

It’s crazy, how you get close to a concept just like that. How your language subtly change, how new words and phrases creep up into your language, how your accent smoothly changes from one to another. And how, when you idly go through photographs BM [before MBA ] you realize how much you have changed, and how that old girl is totally unfamiliar to you.

She for once, would not have danced with such [albeit alcohol induced] gusto. For that matter, you remember her viewing alcohol as hell’s expressway portal. Anything beyond handholding with a guy positively scandalizing. And how her world was so sharp, and monochromatic, with no blurs between good and bad, or right and wrong. How she oiled and combed her waist long hair to keep it long as befitting a proper Mallu. And how she looked beyond her age and was so sure of what this life was all about.

You take your eye off the picture and look in the mirror. The person who stares back with a triumphant glint has short cropped hair, which haven’t seen oil for one year. She has become all that was tantalizingly evil in her undergraduate days in a Mallu college with more student imposed restrictions than the official ones. And how she actually looks younger to those days.

But beyond the physical transformation, she has changed. More upfront. More individualistic. More aware of her follies and weaknesses. More forgiving – to others and importantly, to herself. More sad and more unsure of where the lines are and if there are any lines there in the first place. And being aware that colours fade and brighten and change everyday, sometime white is beyond redemption than black, and that you are more in control than you think.

This is the last day of your life as it was here. Already, bits and pieces of this puzzle are leaving, to comeback later. Suddenly the boring puzzle gets interesting. Friendships are forged by the minute, which makes you grieve not taking that first step months ago. When career choices are made, it is also about who all will be in which all cities and how easy it would be to reach out once a while. Already, family ceremonies are an excuse to just forge your relationships and take trips together – to the future down the memory lane. You do not want to allow this moment to flow, just want to freeze it and preserve the relationships you have here.

You look back at the final choices. And you never regret any of them. Most have been a ‘ I do what I feel' process. But jealousy over more money and more perks you can stand and overcome. Feeling lost and frustrated is what you never want to feel again.

Money in a B School, especially during the placement season, is like some highly addictive drug. You only need a tantalizing glimpse of the heaven and you are hooked. Suddenly, you no longer care much about what they want you to do and how they want you to be. You do not mind wearing light colors and speaking in clipped tones, or ruling over a fiefdom, paying tributes to your next in command. Suddenly, it is about money and more money.

And also about friends. You realize that they have their own life, and their choices to make. A company which has taken V and S are not really that bad, right? Then you come across the bore machine from the company, and realize that it just not all to V and S. They can drown the droning of the bore, you cannot. They can go on and on with work, you don’t want to. So much to see, so much to experience – and write about – and hence you walk back. You peg a company high because P is going there, and well... for all his lazy bum life, you respect his choices - respect it so much that when you are not shortlisted, you actually heave a sigh of relief and thank God for the non selection.

Then A comes calling, with the perfect pitch and a perfect salary. You want to apply, and you know that even though the application date is over, A would accept you into the bottle with a small smile and big heart. But then, the Ghost of Ideas Past appear before you, and asks you some uncomfortable questions. Do you want to do this? Suck the water out of a place which you totally belong to? You hesitate again. Anyways, A is always there, the moment your value systems change, you can always drop him a hint.

But now, this moment, you are content to make your decisions based on dumb luck, and 'choose an even or odd number' games with your junior friends do decide which company to choose - and stick to it. Sorry to shock you S, but in the world out there, sometimes only silliness makes sense.

11 Comments:

Blogger DD :

Congrats! Welcome to da club!

9:04 PM  
Blogger J :

I really liked your blog you might want to check this out

10:45 PM  
Blogger cloud9ine :

and hence, in short, this process of changing can now be called 'transmorgification'...?

12:58 AM  
Blogger raven :

So am I!! *jumpin around*

ab post padhne de :D

2:31 AM  
Blogger raven :

nice post dae... those senti feelings all arnd... but have learnt my lesson, "ensoi the journey, don't waste it brooding over what could have been or what we could do in the future" :)

aaj only and final exam tha.... submissions already don so am totally free now!! slot 0 mein app nahin kiya and 1 mein sirf 6 companies mein app daala... so nothing to do till 8th. tu aa jaa yahan :)

waise u still applying to companies?

2:46 AM  
Blogger raven :

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:47 AM  
Blogger flyaway mind :

hey...
a very well written blog.i accidently came across ur blog in kerala blogs..i'm sure u r the surya i know from CEA..u have bubbled forth with some real reflective thoughts..hope to read more such good stuff in future..bye

Roshni

2:23 AM  
Anonymous AJ :

congratulations on graduation, BS... yeah, Im sure ur pretty unrecognizable from your past days :)

email me ur number, if ur cool with it, will like to call u some day.

Cheers.

6:12 PM  
Blogger Anna :

hmmm... nice post...
wonder if i'll feel like this when i graduate....
:-)
probably...
ciao...

11:16 PM  
Blogger sinusoidally :

First time on your blog...

Congratulations!

8:30 PM  
Blogger Aniyan :

I am amused....
reminicent of old days..
Good luck!

8:34 AM  

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