I am an MBA...

“Don't go.. stay… “ You told her, hugging her tight, holding on.. not wanting her to go. You have come a long way, R and you, 24 months to be precise.

And now, she is leaving.

It’s crazy, how you get close to a concept just like that. How your language subtly change, how new words and phrases creep up into your language, how your accent smoothly changes from one to another. And how, when you idly go through photographs BM [before MBA ] you realize how much you have changed, and how that old girl is totally unfamiliar to you.

She for once, would not have danced with such [albeit alcohol induced] gusto. For that matter, you remember her viewing alcohol as hell’s expressway portal. Anything beyond handholding with a guy positively scandalizing. And how her world was so sharp, and monochromatic, with no blurs between good and bad, or right and wrong. How she oiled and combed her waist long hair to keep it long as befitting a proper Mallu. And how she looked beyond her age and was so sure of what this life was all about.

You take your eye off the picture and look in the mirror. The person who stares back with a triumphant glint has short cropped hair, which haven’t seen oil for one year. She has become all that was tantalizingly evil in her undergraduate days in a Mallu college with more student imposed restrictions than the official ones. And how she actually looks younger to those days.

But beyond the physical transformation, she has changed. More upfront. More individualistic. More aware of her follies and weaknesses. More forgiving – to others and importantly, to herself. More sad and more unsure of where the lines are and if there are any lines there in the first place. And being aware that colours fade and brighten and change everyday, sometime white is beyond redemption than black, and that you are more in control than you think.

This is the last day of your life as it was here. Already, bits and pieces of this puzzle are leaving, to comeback later. Suddenly the boring puzzle gets interesting. Friendships are forged by the minute, which makes you grieve not taking that first step months ago. When career choices are made, it is also about who all will be in which all cities and how easy it would be to reach out once a while. Already, family ceremonies are an excuse to just forge your relationships and take trips together – to the future down the memory lane. You do not want to allow this moment to flow, just want to freeze it and preserve the relationships you have here.

You look back at the final choices. And you never regret any of them. Most have been a ‘ I do what I feel' process. But jealousy over more money and more perks you can stand and overcome. Feeling lost and frustrated is what you never want to feel again.

Money in a B School, especially during the placement season, is like some highly addictive drug. You only need a tantalizing glimpse of the heaven and you are hooked. Suddenly, you no longer care much about what they want you to do and how they want you to be. You do not mind wearing light colors and speaking in clipped tones, or ruling over a fiefdom, paying tributes to your next in command. Suddenly, it is about money and more money.

And also about friends. You realize that they have their own life, and their choices to make. A company which has taken V and S are not really that bad, right? Then you come across the bore machine from the company, and realize that it just not all to V and S. They can drown the droning of the bore, you cannot. They can go on and on with work, you don’t want to. So much to see, so much to experience – and write about – and hence you walk back. You peg a company high because P is going there, and well... for all his lazy bum life, you respect his choices - respect it so much that when you are not shortlisted, you actually heave a sigh of relief and thank God for the non selection.

Then A comes calling, with the perfect pitch and a perfect salary. You want to apply, and you know that even though the application date is over, A would accept you into the bottle with a small smile and big heart. But then, the Ghost of Ideas Past appear before you, and asks you some uncomfortable questions. Do you want to do this? Suck the water out of a place which you totally belong to? You hesitate again. Anyways, A is always there, the moment your value systems change, you can always drop him a hint.

But now, this moment, you are content to make your decisions based on dumb luck, and 'choose an even or odd number' games with your junior friends do decide which company to choose - and stick to it. Sorry to shock you S, but in the world out there, sometimes only silliness makes sense.


The not-so hidden language of Sex....

Online communities have a language of their own, especially when it comes to soliciting sex. It takes the form of seeking friendship to blatant porno sites. If you are a girl in any of the Orkut/yahoo/rediff/Ryze communities; chances are; you know what I am talking about. If not, let me refresh your memory.

Hi... wanna be friends with me? "

The most used and abused sentence online. Not that I don’t like it : many of my online friendships started that way. But potentially dangerous as may lead to a variant of the following phase.

"Are you free and frank? " : I do not know why, but the moment a guy who Ive never known in my life ask me this question 2 minutes into a conversation, I delete him from my friends list and block him. Got good reason to : one guy who used this line on me eventually starting abusing left and right. Thanks to educational events like XL-IIMC and living at a space where fuck is not a swearword, I had my revenge then and there.

And there are the IDs. Some are brutally frank. An ID like “stylish fucker” doesnot leave any doubt about your intentions and gives one the freedom to just block it out of existence. Some are subtle. But when you do reach their page, you find only gals as friends, and the scraps are all variants of either “excuse me? Do we know each other? “ or high level flirting.

One real life example, the call for friendship lead to this. This was the only thing posted on his homepage – with a list of all – and only – his gal pals.

Entry for February 23, 2006

I'm an young (only 39!) Indian (from Gods Own Country) now in Mumbai, average built, fun loving male working at senior management level.

I'm very outgoing and easy to chat up. I love to make ya happy and delighted to the core. Love peace and spread happiness!

I love food, am quite a foodie and can take ya to the best places to dine and wine. Music, movies, theatre, cooking, trekking, traveling and adventure sports are a few things that I love to do in my spare time. Am quite good at a massage if you wish! [ for those wet behind the year ‘uns, Massage parlors are euphemisms for sex parlors in some circles ]

I have short black hair (crew cut), black eyes, thick mustache and wheatish complexion.

So if you are a LADY[ so our dude is definitely male ] looking for some gr8 company and a memorable time, please mail me your details

Care to meetup and befriend me lady? You wont regret it…hi there.....am 39 single male in mumbai here ......am not into cyber ....am looking to meetup..... am fun loving and very easy going by nature[ translates to promiscuous nature ]...... no involved relationships -dont believe in it.... [ means wham bam and get the hell outta my life ]. if you need to spend some good time with a friend [ want sex ]call me..... am on YM too id is ****** if you wish to chatup and take this forward, am looking forward to….


Bold enough to watch BOLD???

One of the vices of overabundance of LAN bandwidth coupled with lots of free time on hand is downloading and watching movies which prove Murphy's Law : If anything can be make in a chickenshit manner, it would be.

Thankfully, divine providence intervened and I could copy only one part of the movie. Nevertheless, I began my close encounter with the shitty kind.

Woman being chased by goons - Bachao.... Bachao...

The only doubt remains as to whether she needs to be rescued from her garish clothes or the men running after her in a quarter hearted manner. Guess it was the first choice, as she is rounded by the men - Kya saamaan hai - and is being lightened of her burden.

Enter our heroine She rips off her [ own ] shirt, revealing a black push up bra. Never really figured out whether that itsy bitsy black thingie she was wearing beneath her belly button was her inner or outer wear. After sermons, we cut to the next scene:

Heroine in swimming pool. Villain and comic sidekick lust after her and offers her flowers and lifetime membership in the club due to her figure. [ Now that is what I call frankness] . She acts offended, and prances out.


Drunken heroine being rescued by hero - Kahan Bhaag ra ha hain Saalon??? - and taken to his home. Hero sleeps on the couch - get it? He is pure of heart and harbor no lustful thoughts. Why? Because he IS the hero.

Heroine is ready in the morning with her eyelids looking like cakes of mascara. Hero's sidekick is also a comic. Villain snubbed by heroine. Hero and heroine gets married. After two - say it with me people, TWO - meetings. At an age when even long term relationships do not culminate in marriage, am I the only skeptical one here? Villain - the rich man obviously, our hero is his employee guys!

Thankfully, I had copied only till now. But the question of a climax remains. So I ask, is there anyone who was bold enough to watch BOLD?


Just good friends...

One thing which always strike you is the number of 'good friends' around. They are always there for each other, complimenting and supporting the other person. They move around together, they bloom in the others presence. They understand each other like none can, and the chemistry that they share between them is awesome. They can tell each other anything, and their transgressions are forgiven, and most importantly, understood.

why then, are they not in a relationship?

If a relationship is supposed to provide love and support, which many of these relationships do, then what is preventing them from being a couple?

Asked around, and got some answers. Who am I to judge them? I grieve for those unborn relationships, that great love lost which could have made the world a much more happier place.

These, are the tombstones of those aborted loves.

"A relationship complicates things. Expectations are high, and it leads to petty quarrels and breakups. I cannot bear to loose her from my life like that. As a friend, I am always there."

"Look at me... and look at him... We two are entirely different... he will never like a woman who looks like me..."

"I would always love him... and will always have a soft corner for him... But do you know how much of an MCP he is? "

"A relationship? Pagal hai kya? He is of a different cast!"

"She is elder to me... My parents wont allow... "

"I am not an immoral person... I wont cheat on my boyfriend... "

"My girlfriend helped me a lot in college... eventhough I have changed, it is not fair to dump her now... I have to hold on... "

"First I had a boyfriend.. and he proposed and I said no... Now he has a girlfriend... and I am single. But.... "

Stranger, with me, do shed a perfect tear on this cemetery.


Oh, by the way...

How do you tell people that you broke up? Or about such potentially TNTic stuff which is actually your pvt life, but which will nevertheless affect your dynamics with those around you?

13th Feb, 12:05 AM, Classroom. My cell phone vibrates to herald a sms. I grab it as the last chance to win my battle with sleep. A friend has wished me a great Valentines Day with my loved one. I smsed back, saying there is no relationship anymore, I'm single and happy, and in a class and sleepy.

Regarding this episode, I generally do it like this:

Me: Hi!
Friend : Hi!
Me : Oh, btw, me and AA broke up!
F: Awwww... why?
Me : We are too different for each other [ insert ur big fake smile here, as if taking the decision to break up was the best thing you have ever did ]
F : Are you ok?
Me : Yes. [ repeat the smile ]

The conversation is the only way in which my galpals will stop asking me about how things are going between us, and junta will stop telling me where he is at the precise time I meet them. I often reply with a 'Oh' <> and go the opposite way.

It is not that I don't miss having a relationship. It provides you with a huge sense of security. But then, that is not enough for me. I also need space in a relationship, a guy who is confident enough and patient enough to be my man. As one friend so aptly put it "You feel so kiss starved!" I'm not a fan of kisses, but hugs would be nice! And the media circus called Valentines Day sucks; totally.


In the shadows

The idea of a gothic ID like banished soul was two fold:

  1. To emanate vibes of coolness via blogosphere. Banished and soul are the keywords of deep thought and gives an indication of our existential agonies and transcendental realities and subsequent reconciliations [ whew!]
  2. To remain anonymous on blogosphere.
Hence, please do not use my name when leaving comments. Any such comments, alas, will have to be deleted. Aj, pls reenter the comment na.. :P

PS: Ever noticed that my Blog name's initials are BS?? :P
PPS: Doing fine, never been better!
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