20060131

Requeim for a month : Tears shed and lessons learnt

The saddest part is to say no to love when you know you do not want to end up hurting the person who loves you so much... and end up doing that anyways.

The good thing about having friends involved is that once it goes kaput, you can always surreptiously check on the other person via them. Affairs do not have this luxury.

If you really love your parents, you shouldn't be not just not doing in public things which hurt them. Refrain in private too. That is called sacrifice and being dutiful. The 'if you don't see it, it wont hurt you attitude is just cheating.

The person who initiates the walkout or the break-up also suffers... the loss of company combined with a major guilt complex is such a kicker for depression.

Friends do make a diference. To tell you that they just want you to be happy, to take you out for lunch, to once give you priority over their boyfriend and get you a neembu paani... and to allow you to wake them up from their sleep and cry your heart out in front of them.

In the duel between love and friendship, I fall for friendship; hook, line and sinker. As for love; someday I will be ready for him.

20060121

Galt and Roark wannabes...

Ayn Rand's protagonists are humans who have defined their own reality. Like the guy in Anthem, they build up their own definitions and rules. The only thing that differentiates the and the "wannabes" is the fact that they are prepared to live with the aftereffects of their thought.

If I am to follow Rand's philosophy, then I have to disown whatever she says. I have to find my reality based on what I feel within me. I use the word feel as it is that first illogical sprout of thought which guides all our actions, and all further logic is based on it. Roark and Galt didn't care about "serving the world" because at some point of their lives, their minds rebelled and told them to discard the conventional wisdom. They did not have any ideal figurines to look up to; they chose not to sit and discuss the motives and ways of others, they did what they felt compelled to do; they knew the world through their actions.

Ayn Rand herself often didn't follow her philosophy of dispassionate objectivism. [ search wikipedia for an ironical account of how she cut off her ex-lover for cheating on her with another woman and turned him a pariah. ] It is because the combination of the people with such sterling qualities are difficult to find - superior intellect, a fanatical approach to one's work, wealth [ or friends/girlfriends with money] and an ability to completely disregard the opinions of others.

We are having a Rand play - night of January 16th - out here at the end of the month. Obsessing about the script threw up an interesting observation : If we read about a guy who swindles others money and stage his death to get away with it, our kneejerk reaction would be to condemn him. However, as it is Rand's characters; we love them and are on their side.

IMO, if there is a real Galt or Roark out there, s/he will be too busy doing what s/he wants to do to participate in discussions like this. They are the leaders who come up with things that we never thought of as never thought of, and the rest of the world either follows them or despises them.

But they are, never to be ignored.

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Frayed at the edge

I really do not know what happened.

I thought we were a team. Close enough to laugh out loud at silly things and share many lazy afternoons. To go out on impromptu trips and come back laden with bags. T o share gossip in that deliciously sweet manner which only girls can.

So what happened to us?

We do not talk that much anymore. Even when you visit the others, you hardly come over. Your excuse is my privacy. But don't you know that your company is also dear to me?

And you; what is it with you? We too used to have a lot of good time, shared lunches on open hotel terraces where we talked about everything and nothing. What has changed now? How come you drop in n the others, but doesn't care to say even a 'Hi' anymore.

I am having difficult times. And I need you my friends, to coast me out as you know me far longer, far thoroughly and far unglamorously than my present company. And love can never ever replace my need for my friends or your presence in my life.

So the next time you are planning to go out; give me a call. Any time you plan to eat the dead body of a mammal or bird, count me in. And do drop in; plenty of times.

For the wise one has been doing just that, being there for me without being obvious. Apparently you are not her, but it doesn't not absolve you of being not there for me.

My friends, I need you. Remember me in your ordinary moments, those which you had shared with me in the past and made me feel special.

20060116

Lemonade, Anyone?

Life is handing me lemons left and right. So, in the spirit of the cool lemonade of Dadu's [ the omnipresent teashop at a corner of XLRI, which have been there from time immemorial ] take a seat and sip on....

The first lemon happened sometime during September. That was the day when my project manager - the maverick who moved from consultants to internal HR - took a flying leap into the job fray. Without him to back me, my PPO went down the drain...

Now comes the D company - no, not the D company, but one of the people who are paid for their opinions. The equation was somewhat as follows: lazy girl + too much philosophy = freaked out recruiters and no job offer.

Then the next company came. It had a certain saambar rasam look to it. Went looking like a dish, but they preferred the person with the D offer and chose her.

Now the story picks up speed. In comes the man who is always right. Having just the ego levels of a pop tartlet, he pitches about his company, bullshits other companies and play blatant favoritism with the candidates who are sitting there all at once. We roll our eyes at each other, giggle and stare in disbelief.

Now for the process. One entire day, we are asked to wait around. Some of us miss our classes. The blatant wooing, ignoring the children of lesser Gods, continues. Sometime through the process, something inside me snapped.The good news is we know what we want. The bad news is we are too blunt in putting it forth. The worst news is the geezer trying to bore us to death.

So, that is about it. It is good fun, speaking your mind out. I am flunking the processes, but having a great time in doing it.

And what make you think I will sell my soul to you?

NB: Being the irrational human being that I am, I wanted to join the geezers company because of two of my very good friends working there...

After 45 minutes, I am fine. At peace. I guess the idea of a job offer is not at all different from a symphony of wooing. It is about who gets to say 'No' at first. Even if the company says that it wants me, I might say no. But then, if the company rejects first, then my chance for a 'No' is dimnished and I resent that blow to my ego. As long as ego lives long, atleast for now, I am happy. And I know the right thing in telling what I did and indirectly striking my name off the list.

Ke sera, sera. Actually it is a nice day, two people who mean a lot to me got job offers; that too in places where they will have some time left to spend on themselves.

And now to the geezer's recruits : may you have the strength to withstand his verbal diarrhea! :)

20060110

We wish you all the best in life....

Today was a mixed bag. First my brother calls up - there are ties stronger than blood, you know - and tells me about how he finally asked her and she accepted. Even her parents accepted! Now only his mom has to agree to this - which I am pretty sure she will - his dad, brother and sister-in-law already okay with it. He also got into a decent MBA program, at the end of which he will be getting a good job.

Then my friend sends me a cute greeting card, a little "buck up!" for the placement season. The laterals have just started. Went for my first company and didn't get through. I have a hunch of why - my not so great CQ and lack of exposure to places outside Kerala - in that order.

I am glad that my friends got through. I hope they accept it; as it would mean two more people away from the fray. I am particularly in a sulky mood as I had to wait the most - was the last one; wasted 4 hrs which I could have spent watching a movie+reading a book+studying for my quiz tomorrow, and also had to deck up for the process in a coat and suit. My feet still hurts from wearing those ridiculous contraptions called formal shoes.

The only advantage of LRP is that there is no group discussion - the sham of all shams - to select people. I guess I want to get placed in LRP so that I can sit out the mad frenzy of CRP.

Yet to start studying for the quiz. Cannot even go out for a possible treat or treat myself - lots of portions to cover.

Seesh, I hate it when this happens. Why didn't I back off in the beginning itself? Wasted hours, a cranky me, and a quiz looming huge tomorrow.

Gee, I hate to ask for it, but I need a hug.

20060102

Resolutions

Leaving aside world peace and finding the meaning of life, I take a hard look at the small small things in life. Atleast for me, the bigger things are easier to do but my happiness lies in the smaller ones. This is not a all new factory fresh list; it is more of a reminder to hold on to what I really enjoyed / always wanted to do this year.

  1. Complete horse riding classes - despite the primadona horses and pain on the butt.
  2. Do abstract paintings on the wall whereever I live for more than one month. Its an amazing thing, try doing it sometime!
  3. Cook more often. I have found out that I love cooking, especially for my loved ones. And stop always trying to get them to clean up after me.
  4. Eat more fruits and cut on the colas.
  5. Read one book a week.
  6. Always have some flowers in my room.
  7. Do fabric painting.
  8. Never miss a chance to watch a Tamil movie with the gang [ you know who you are, and I had an amazing time! ]
  9. Blog atleast once a week.
  10. Write more.
  11. Combining 2 & 9, do something creative every month.
  12. Color my hair electric pink or blue - ofcourse, after I clear a job interview and sign on the dotted line!
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