Now that I am 24, I do not feel as I thought I would be feeling at 24. I still donot know what exactly I want to do in life – Ok, I want to be a writer at sometime in future, but it is not what I am gonna do in seven months from now. And I really don’t know how to go about it.
At times it scares me. I came to XLRI so that I can find out what I would like to do, to have more choices in life. I thought my seniors or professors had all answers – they certainly had all answers to my questions – but now, I feel that they are also living out the answers to their questions, but anyways, how can they know what I would be happy with? Will I ever have children of my own? Will I enjoy what I do everyday in my life? Will I get a good job? Will I be successful in my life? Am I asking for too much out of life?
All these questions psyche me out. So I decide not to think of them. Which doesn’t really help, as I am being different nowadays the process of change speeding up unnaturally, and I want to know who I am. And as I am too afraid to ask myself, fearing I would not find the answers, I turn to other people to define me.
Which leaves me totally confused and depressed.
I cannot really do anything about it. I have been talking to a few friends, people with whom you can really talk of these things and who listens and offers you grounded perspectives. Like they said, I am stepping aside, letting the flow past me and sitting on the bank under a shady tree. I can do without too many people around me, I was never the popular type.
A friend google talked me today so that he can just sit with me and spend some time. We talked about inane things, and that too not much. But it was nice in a totally underrated way, and it felt good that people actually seeked me out to talk to aise hi.